Daycare Dilemma

Daycare....it's a four-letter word around here.
I thought I was okay with it.  That's until I actually started the process of finding daycare.  Let me tell you, it's no easy task.

I used some referral agencies and got lots of names and numbers of licensed, in-home daycares.  I got my notepad and pen and got to callin'.  About 95% of them were full.  First hurdle. 

As I was calling, I was appalled at some of the "personalities" on the other end of the line.  Um, if I don't like you on the phone, there's no way I am bringing my baby to you.  Second hurdle.

I finally talked to someone that seemed nice and had reasonable rates.  Mark and I went to meet her, with my list of 32 questions in hand.  Mark claims this is ridiculous -- I claim that is it necessary.  This person will be caring for our precious daughter!  I would be wrong not to put her through a thorough questioning.

So, we got there...it was clean....she was nice enough.  No major red flags - except for the fact that she didn't ask to hold Natalie, which was weird to me.  But I just wasn't feeling it.  I was looking for someone that I connected with.  After 30 minutes or so, we left...Mark asked me "What did you think?"  I burst into tears, cried all the way home, and continued to blubber like a baby for the next two hours.  For whatever reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks - I HAVE TO LEAVE MY BABY WITH A STRANGER.  Third (and biggest) hurdle.  How am I going to get past this one?

The problem is, I have never, ever loved anything the way I love my baby. And I was convinced that I wanted to leave her with someone who loved her just as much. My best friend talked some sense into me as I sobbed on the other end of the phone that night. Of course you aren't going to find that, she said. No one will EVER love Natalie the way you do. You are her mommy!  Okay, so maybe it's a little too much to ask for someone to love my child like their own.  However, I do want to feel that the person I am leaving her with will love her and take great (not mediocre) care of her.  I'm just not willing to settle.
We haven't found anyone yet, but I continue to make phone calls and we have another interview lined up for Thursday.  (Okay working mommies - here's where you reassure me that Natalie will be just fine, and that I am completely overreacting.)  I am nervous and anxious and sad and just wondering how this is all going to work out.
 
Although summer is just starting, I am already dreading the month of August. Because that's when I have to leave my precious girl all over again.  This time I am going to have to summon up a lot more courage, because I honestly don't know how I am going to do it.


Seriously, how will I leave this gorgeous girl every day?

She really looks like her daddy in this picture!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

This is what I'm depending on these days....'cause when you can't find your own strength, He finds it for you.