Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Daycare Dilemma

Daycare....it's a four-letter word around here.
I thought I was okay with it.  That's until I actually started the process of finding daycare.  Let me tell you, it's no easy task.

I used some referral agencies and got lots of names and numbers of licensed, in-home daycares.  I got my notepad and pen and got to callin'.  About 95% of them were full.  First hurdle. 

As I was calling, I was appalled at some of the "personalities" on the other end of the line.  Um, if I don't like you on the phone, there's no way I am bringing my baby to you.  Second hurdle.

I finally talked to someone that seemed nice and had reasonable rates.  Mark and I went to meet her, with my list of 32 questions in hand.  Mark claims this is ridiculous -- I claim that is it necessary.  This person will be caring for our precious daughter!  I would be wrong not to put her through a thorough questioning.

So, we got there...it was clean....she was nice enough.  No major red flags - except for the fact that she didn't ask to hold Natalie, which was weird to me.  But I just wasn't feeling it.  I was looking for someone that I connected with.  After 30 minutes or so, we left...Mark asked me "What did you think?"  I burst into tears, cried all the way home, and continued to blubber like a baby for the next two hours.  For whatever reason, it hit me like a ton of bricks - I HAVE TO LEAVE MY BABY WITH A STRANGER.  Third (and biggest) hurdle.  How am I going to get past this one?

The problem is, I have never, ever loved anything the way I love my baby. And I was convinced that I wanted to leave her with someone who loved her just as much. My best friend talked some sense into me as I sobbed on the other end of the phone that night. Of course you aren't going to find that, she said. No one will EVER love Natalie the way you do. You are her mommy!  Okay, so maybe it's a little too much to ask for someone to love my child like their own.  However, I do want to feel that the person I am leaving her with will love her and take great (not mediocre) care of her.  I'm just not willing to settle.
We haven't found anyone yet, but I continue to make phone calls and we have another interview lined up for Thursday.  (Okay working mommies - here's where you reassure me that Natalie will be just fine, and that I am completely overreacting.)  I am nervous and anxious and sad and just wondering how this is all going to work out.
Although summer is just starting, I am already dreading the month of August. Because that's when I have to leave my precious girl all over again.  This time I am going to have to summon up a lot more courage, because I honestly don't know how I am going to do it.

Seriously, how will I leave this gorgeous girl every day?
She really looks like her daddy in this picture!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

This is what I'm depending on these days....'cause when you can't find your own strength, He finds it for you.


  1. Jenny,
    Thanks so, so much for sharing your feelings about this. This VERY fear has paralyzed me to the point that I don't know if I can have kids. Most of our friends have parents who pick up 2-3 days a week, and I know that's not a possibility for us with my parents in KS and us in CA. I'll pray that you find the perfect fit for you and your beautiful girl.

  2. Jenny,

    AHHH I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like... A good friend of mine, Julie at IVE, (1st grade) is having her baby boy in July and was interviewing daycare people for awhile. If you'd like her info, she'd be WONDERFUL to talk to. She ended up finding another BV 1st grade teacher who is staying home with her new baby in the fall so it worked out great, but took her awhile to get there.

    Talk with you soon and know how encouraging and exciting it is to hear you talk about Natalie like that! Makes me so excited to have those feelings, too. :)


  3. Dearest, Jen. I completely understand. I couldn't talk about it the entire summer before I went back after Ellie and now am struggling with it again. The LORD loves her more than you do though. As crazy as this sounds, it has been such a comfort to me. As much as we want to be everything for our babies, we never will be and he will always have to provide for them in other grandmas, aunties, friends' mothers, friends, teachers and babysitters. The LORD will bring the right person into your life, not for YOU, although he has taught me SO much being a working mom, but for HER. She is HIS and He WILL provide.

  4. @Katie Pond
    Thanks, Katie. It is so heart-wrenching to think about leaving my little one....but the thought of coming home to her sweet smiling face each day will keep me going. I hope that you WILL choose motherhood someday and let go of the fear -- easier said than done, huh? Thanks for your prayers.

  5. @The Frenchs
    Allison - I know you get it. It is encouraging to know that it IS possible, and I will be trying to be faithful and trusting that everything will work out fine. Thank you for your comforting words.