Thursday, February 2, 2012

Having it all?

Took the day off today to "catch-up".  Various errands and appointments consumed my day, but the whole time I had sweet baby girl on my hip and hubby holding my hand....the perfect, busy day.  Why is it that it's so easy to be super-productive on a week-day away from work, than a weekend day?  It's a crazy amount of preparation to be gone from school for a day and have a sub in my place, but it is SO worth it to have a day to get things done.  It was a sharp reminder, however, that I long to be home with my girl each day. 

Right when I went back to work, I remember that constant pain of being away from her.  So tiny and helpless.  Being away from her felt like leaving a part of myself behind.  I didn't think it would ever get easier.  Friends and co-workers encouraged me that someday I would come to work and not cry when I dropped her at daycare.  That day came before I thought it would....I was able to leave my precious girl and go about my day without tears.  And now, it is just a part of our routine - load the car, load the baby, drive to daycare, carry her in, kisses and hugs and "I love yous", rush out (as I am usually running late), a distinct shift from mommy to teacher.  Spend the rest of the day loving on others' kiddos until it's time to rush back to the sitter's house - where I am greeted with a baby who will cross the room with incredible speed and the HUGEST smile when she sees me each day.  What hasn't changed, is that I think about her all day.  I wonder what she is doing, what/who she is playing with.  I worry about if she's napping well, or refusing her bottle (a phase we are going through right now!).  I wonder if she is getting plenty of hugs and kisses (when I know she is), and I wish that I was the one to give them.

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy my job, have wonderful friends as co-workers, and find great purpose and satisfaction in my career.  I remember the loneliness of the long days of maternity leave - counting the minutes until my hubby would be home, just to have another adult to talk to.  Days of feeling like I had lost myself in this new land of mommyhood, then the feelings of guilt that washed over me for wanting a "break" from 24 hours a day of caring for her. 

I question often - is it just a matter of wanting what I don't have?  If I stayed home, would I wish each day to be back in the classroom?  If I continue working, will I constantly have the thoughts in the back of my mind that I should be at home?

Right now, it's not a financial option for me to stay home.  Even if I wanted to - you know we are working on becoming debt-free this year....and that WON'T happen if momma ain't workin'!  But I find that a huge motivation for me when it comes to getting our finances in order, is the thought of being able to stay home with Natalie, with future babies... 

Can I have it all?  Right now, I STILL feel that I am not as good of a teacher as I was pre-baby, when I had more time to commit.  And I also feel that I could be a better mommy if I had more time to give to Natalie - I could be a better wife if I had more time to give to Mark.

There's no answer tonight - just thoughts of a mommy/wife/teacher who is really looking forward to SUMMER! :)

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand wanting to stay home but not being able to. I am about to return to work after the birth of my first and I am dreading the days of dropping her off and going to work. But, like you, we have some bills to pay off before I can stay home.
    Your baby is adorable!