Having it all?

Took the day off today to "catch-up".  Various errands and appointments consumed my day, but the whole time I had sweet baby girl on my hip and hubby holding my hand....the perfect, busy day.  Why is it that it's so easy to be super-productive on a week-day away from work, than a weekend day?  It's a crazy amount of preparation to be gone from school for a day and have a sub in my place, but it is SO worth it to have a day to get things done.  It was a sharp reminder, however, that I long to be home with my girl each day. 

Right when I went back to work, I remember that constant pain of being away from her.  So tiny and helpless.  Being away from her felt like leaving a part of myself behind.  I didn't think it would ever get easier.  Friends and co-workers encouraged me that someday I would come to work and not cry when I dropped her at daycare.  That day came before I thought it would....I was able to leave my precious girl and go about my day without tears.  And now, it is just a part of our routine - load the car, load the baby, drive to daycare, carry her in, kisses and hugs and "I love yous", rush out (as I am usually running late), a distinct shift from mommy to teacher.  Spend the rest of the day loving on others' kiddos until it's time to rush back to the sitter's house - where I am greeted with a baby who will cross the room with incredible speed and the HUGEST smile when she sees me each day.  What hasn't changed, is that I think about her all day.  I wonder what she is doing, what/who she is playing with.  I worry about if she's napping well, or refusing her bottle (a phase we are going through right now!).  I wonder if she is getting plenty of hugs and kisses (when I know she is), and I wish that I was the one to give them.

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy my job, have wonderful friends as co-workers, and find great purpose and satisfaction in my career.  I remember the loneliness of the long days of maternity leave - counting the minutes until my hubby would be home, just to have another adult to talk to.  Days of feeling like I had lost myself in this new land of mommyhood, then the feelings of guilt that washed over me for wanting a "break" from 24 hours a day of caring for her. 

I question often - is it just a matter of wanting what I don't have?  If I stayed home, would I wish each day to be back in the classroom?  If I continue working, will I constantly have the thoughts in the back of my mind that I should be at home?

Right now, it's not a financial option for me to stay home.  Even if I wanted to - you know we are working on becoming debt-free this year....and that WON'T happen if momma ain't workin'!  But I find that a huge motivation for me when it comes to getting our finances in order, is the thought of being able to stay home with Natalie, with future babies... 

Can I have it all?  Right now, I STILL feel that I am not as good of a teacher as I was pre-baby, when I had more time to commit.  And I also feel that I could be a better mommy if I had more time to give to Natalie - I could be a better wife if I had more time to give to Mark.

There's no answer tonight - just thoughts of a mommy/wife/teacher who is really looking forward to SUMMER! :)

Busy

Sorry I've been MIA lately!  Seems like we are just now starting to get settled into our new life as a family with two working parents.  Each week seems to get a little easier - though we are still crazy busy with our new routine.

This past week brought a case of pink eye for me and Natalie.  I didn't appreciate it....but I certainly didn't mind a "sick day" at home with my sweet little girl.  I think we both needed it!  She's also getting her two bottom teeth at the same time, and had her six month shots on the same day that she came down with the eye infection -- a little TLC was in order, for sure.

Along with our busy life, we have a BUSY baby on our hands these days!
She is right on the verge of crawling -- scooting backwards on the floor and around in circles.  She is really trying to get her legs moving, just isn't quite there yet.  Babyproofing is in our near future, I'm afraid.  She reaches for everything.  Got her hands on the computer charge cord the other day while I was in the kitchen.  Yesterday I went to the bathroom and when I came out she had scooted herself backwards underneath the TV cabinet.

She loves the hardwood floors, because it's easy to push herself around on them.

And this Little Miss has ALL KINDS of personality lately. :)

So fun, so sweet, so BUSY!

Recharging

LOTS of changes this week...

Natalie spent her first week at daycare.  She seems to love her provider and smiles so big when she sees her in the morning.  However, there isn't much of a schedule happening there....Natalie gets held through her naps and isn't getting enough sleep.  She's been fussy and overtired at night, leaving Mommy & Daddy exhausted, too.  I'm hoping to talk with her daycare provider and see if we can make some changes.  If not, I guess we'll start looking for someone else.  Sigh. I hate to be the "schedule nazi" but it is honestly very important for us that Natalie gets plenty of sleep and stays in a somewhat regular routine.  We love how much attention and love Natalie is getting....but that may not be enough.  Time will tell. Trying to stay positive and remember that there will be a period of adjustment anywhere that Natalie goes.

I also returned to work this week.  It was good to get back in a routine...but the first few days of the week were rough.  I cried a lot as I tried to get my bearings about me.  I felt out of balance, like part of me was missing.  You know when you feel like you've forgotten something at home, but don't know what it is?  That uneasiness consumed me most of the week.  I've never been so happy to see 3:30 on the clock each day.  Seeing my girl at the end of each day -- she kicks and smiles and laughs when she sees me! -- is the sweetest thing, and the only thing that gets me through the day.  Luckily, my days are extremely busy and go by really fast.  This will be an adjustment as well....getting used to the fast pace of work, when I was loving the slow pace of maternity leave. 

I've decided to keep nursing for now.  I was having trouble pumping last week, and thought I was going to have to supplement with formula while Natalie was at daycare and I was at work.  Thankfully, I found out that it was the pump and not me.  (Which was weird, because the pump seemed to be working correctly...)  Anyway, I rented a pump for now and am having no trouble keeping up with what Natalie is eating when she takes bottles during the day.  It will be much harder to keep up with a pumping schedule once the kids are back and I am more limited on when I can do it.  Luckily, I can pump a bottle's worth of milk in about 5 minutes.  So, for now, I'm going to try to keep up with it and see how it goes.  I just couldn't stand the thought of something else changing right now...

We used the weekend to recharge and reconnect.  I loved getting up on Saturday morning with my sweet girl, nursing her and then putting her in the bed between us.  We lounged in jammies the whole first part of the day, and it seemed to be just what we needed.  Sure, I should be catching up on housework and laundry....but that can wait a week as far as I'm concerned.  Right now, I just need my girl!

We also got to celebrate my sweet nephew's third birthday this weekend with a pool party.  More of what we needed....blessed with cool weather, we enjoyed the family time and relaxation. 

 Birthday boy!

 So cute.

 These kids love, love, LOVE baby Natalie.

  I think RJ's mommy might be wondering how the past three years went by so fast...such a big boy all of a sudden.

Natalie enjoyed the party, too.  Especially the swimming part. :)

Daddy's girl.

 RJ bounced back quickly after a slip-and-fall incident shortly after arriving at the pool.

 Grace jumped off the high dive for the first time!

And this guy can't go anywhere without his dinos. Love this little face.

Watching all of this....taking in all the family and smiles and cupcakes and splashing and conversation and kisses.....it was just enough to get this momma recharged for the week ahead.